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Thread: Joke thread

  1. #351
    Senior Member dinkydi's Avatar
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    A man is alone in an airport lounge. A beautiful woman walks in and sit down at the table next to him.
    He decides because she's wearing a uniform, she's probably an off-duty flight attendant.

    So he decides to have a go at picking her up by identifying the airline she flies for, thereby impressing her greatly.
    He leans across to her and says the British Airways motto :
    'To Fly. To Serve'?

    The woman looks at him blankly

    He sits back and thinks up another line.
    He leans forward again and delivers the Air France motto
    'Winning the hearts of the world'?

    Again she just stares at him with a slightly puzzled look on her face.

    Undeterred, he tries again, this time saying the Malaysian Airlines motto
    'Going beyond expectations'?

    The woman looks at him sternly and says
    'What the Fuck do you want?'

    'Aha!' he says, "Qantas!"

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  3. #352
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    Paddy goes into a bar and orders seven shots of tequila and one Guinness.
    The barman lines up shots and goes to get the Guinness.
    When he comes back with the pint, all seven shots are gone.

    The barman says: “Wow! You sure drank those fast.”
    Paddy explains: "You would drink fast too if you had what I have.”
    The barman asks: “What do you have?”

    Paddy reaches into his pocket and says: “Fifty cents!”


    "Tell me, Patrick, how did you manage to get so very drunk last night?" asked the parish priest.
    "Well you see, Father, it was like this. I got into very bad company after winning a bottle of whiskey at a raffle."
    "But you were with Mick Mulligan, Sean O'Toole, and Peter Ryan and they don't drink."

    "That's what I mean, Father..."
    Last edited by curmudgeon; 09-19-2016 at 08:39 AM.

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  5. #353
    Senior Member dinkydi's Avatar
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    Rare Blood Type !

    An Arab Sheik was admitted to Hospital for heart surgery,
    but prior to the surgery,
    the doctors needed to have
    some of his blood type stored
    in case the need arose.


    As the gentleman had an extremely rare type of blood
    that couldn't be found locally,
    the call went out around the world.


    Finally a Scotsman was located
    who had the same rare blood type.
    After some coaxing,
    the Scot donated his blood for the Arab.


    After the surgery the Arab sent the Scotsman
    a new BMW, a diamond necklace for his wife,
    and$100,000 US dollars
    in appreciation for the blood donation.


    A few months later,
    the Arab had to undergo
    a corrective surgery procedure.


    Once again, his doctor telephoned the Scotsman
    who this time was more than happy
    to donate his blood.


    After the second surgery,
    the Arab sent the Scotsman a thank-you card
    and a box of Quality Street chocolates.
    The Scotsman was shocked
    that the Arab did not reciprocate
    his kind gesture as he had anticipated.


    He then phoned the Arab and asked him:
    "I thought you would be more generous than that -
    last time you sent me a BMW, diamonds and money,
    but this time you only sent me a lousy thank-you card
    and a crappy box of chocolates ?"


    To this the Arab replied: "
    Aye laddie,
    but I now have Scottish blood in me veins".

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  7. #354
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    One by one, all the senior members of the company's Board
    of Directors were called into the chairman's office until
    only Ted, the junior member, was left sitting outside.
    Finally it was his turn to be summoned. He entered the
    office to find the chairman and the other ten directors
    seated around a table. He was invited to join them, which he did.

    As soon as he sat down, the chairman turned to Ted,
    looked him squarely in the eye, and with a stern voice,
    asked, "Have you ever had sex with Mrs. Foyt, my
    secretary? "Oh, no, sir, positively not!" Ted replied.
    "Are you absolutely sure?" asked the chairman

    "Honest, I've never been close enough to even touch her!"

    "You'd swear to that?" "Yes, I swear I've never had sex with Mrs. Foyt, anytime, anywhere," insisted Ted.
    Satisfied the chairman said . "Good. Then you fire her."

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  9. #355
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    An Irishman walks into a pub with an ostrich and a cat. He goes up the bar and says: "Beer for me, beer for the ostrich, whisky for the cat."

    The unlikely trio find a table, sit down and drink their drinks.
    Next, it's the ostrich's round. He walks up to the bar and says: "Beer for me, beer for the man, whisky for the cat." Then the ostrich takes the drinks back to the table and they drink them.
    When it comes to the cat's turn to buy a round, he simply tells his pals to "Sod off!"

    So the Irishman goes back to the bar and asks for another two beers and a whisky.
    Impressed at his generosity, the barman says: "I notice that you and the ostrich have both bought a round but the cat hasn't. Why do you hang out with him?"

    The man replies: "I once helped a little old lady across the road, and she turned out to be my Fairy Godmother. She granted me one wish, which landed me with the cat and the ostrich forever."
    "What did you wish for?" inquires the barman.

    "A long-legged bird with a tight pussy¦"

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  11. #356
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    Duck Off

    As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the duck's chest.

    After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said "I'm sorry, your duck Cuddles, has passed away."

    The distressed woman wailed "Are you sure ?"

    "Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead" replied the Vet.

    "How can you be so sure ?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

    The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room.

    He returned a few minutes later with a Labrador Retriever.

    As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room.

    A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

    The vet looked at the woman and said "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

    The Vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.


    The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "£1,500 !" she cried "£1,500 just to tell me my duck is dead !"


    The vet shrugged "I'm sorry.

    If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been £100,

    But with the Lab Report and the Cat scan, it's now £1,500."

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  13. #357
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    And You Thought You Knew Everything... All useless information.

    Mosquito repellents don't repel. They hide you. The spray blocks the mosquito's sensors so they don't know you're there.

    Dentists have recommended that a toothbrush be kept at least 6 feet away from a toilet to avoid airborne particles resulting from the flush.

    The liquid inside young coconuts can be used as substitute for blood plasma.

    No piece of paper can be folded in half more than 7 times.

    Donkeys kill more people annually than plane crashes.

    You burn more calories sleeping than you do watching television.

    Oak trees do not produce acorns until they are fifty years of age or older.

    The first product to have a bar code was Wrigley's gum.

    The king of hearts is the only king without a mustache.

    A Boeing 747s wingspan is longer than the Wright brother's first flight.

    American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating 1 olive from each salad served in first-class.

    Venus is the only planet that rotates clockwise.

    Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.

    The plastic things on the end of shoelaces are called aglets.

    The first owner of the Marlboro Company died of lung cancer.

    Michael Jordan makes more money from Nike annually than all of the Nike factory workers in Malaysia combined.

    Marilyn Monroe had six toes.

    All US Presidents have worn glasses. Some just didn't like being seen wearing them in public.

    Walt Disney was afraid of mice.

    Pearls melt in vinegar.

    Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating are already married.

    The three most valuable brand names on earth: Marlboro, Coca-Cola, and Budweiser, in that order.

    It is possible to lead a cow upstairs...but not downstairs.

    A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.

    The reason firehouses have circular stairways is from the days when the engines were pulled by horses. The horses were stabled on the ground floor and figured out how to walk up straight staircases.

    Richard Millhouse Nixon was the first US president whose name contains all the letters from the word "criminal." The second was William Jefferson Clinton..
    Turtles can breathe through their butts.

    Butterflies taste with their feet.

    In 10 minutes, a hurricane releases more energy than all of the world's nuclear weapons combined.

    On average, 100 people choke to death on ball-point pens every year.

    On average people fear spiders more than death.

    Ninety percent of New York City cabbies are recently arrived immigrants.

    Elephants are the only animals that can't jump..

    Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older.

    Women blink nearly twice as much as men.

    It's physically impossible for you to lick your elbow.

    The Main Library at Indiana University sinks over an inch every year because when it was built, engineers failed to take into account the weight of all the books that would occupy the building.

    A snail can sleep for three years.

    No word in the English language rhymes with "MONTH."​ (ditto "orange")​

    Average life span of a major league baseball: 7 pitches.

    Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing. SCARY!!!

    The electric chair was invented by a dentist.

    All polar bears are left handed.

    In ancient Egypt, priests plucked EVERY hair from their bodies, including their eyebrows and eyelashes.

    An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

    TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard.

    "Go," is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.​ (What about "Fuck!" and "No!")

    If Barbie were life-size, her measurements would be 39-23-33. She would stand seven feet, two inches tall. Barbie's full name is Barbara Millicent Roberts.

    A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.

    The cigarette lighter was invented before the match.

    Americans, on average, eat 18 acres of pizza every day.

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  15. #358
    Senior Member dinkydi's Avatar
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    PUNS FOR EDUCATED MINDS...

    1. The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
    He acquired his size from too much pi.
    2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it
    turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
    3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.
    4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class,
    because it was a weapon of math disruption.
    5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
    6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
    7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in
    Linoleum Blownapart.
    8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
    9. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall.
    The police are looking into it.
    10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
    11 Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
    12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway.
    One hat said to the other: You stay here; I'll go on a head.
    13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
    14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: Keep off the Grass.
    15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was
    a small medium at large.
    16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray
    is now a seasoned veteran.
    17. A backward poet writes inverse.
    18. In a democracy it’s your vote that counts.
    In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
    19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
    20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you'd be in Seine.
    21. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons.
    The stewardess looks at him and says, I’m sorry, sir,
    only one carrion allowed per passenger.
    22. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says Dam!
    23. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.
    24. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, I’ve lost my electron.
    The other says Are you sure? The first replies, Yes, I’m positive.
    25. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain
    during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

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  17. #359
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    Two businessmen in Melbourne were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new shop...


    As yet, the shop wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up.

    One said to the other, "I bet any minute now some pensioner is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling."


    No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious old woman walked to the window, had a peek, and in a soft voice asked, "What are you selling here?"

    One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling arse-holes."
    Without skipping a beat, the old dear said, �Must be doing well... Only two left."

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