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Thread: Joke thread

  1. #1
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    Joke thread

    Time to start one here


    From my mate in Australia . . .
    Woman:
    Do you drink beer? Man: Yes

    Woman:
    How many beers a day? Man: Usually, 3

    Woman: How much do you pay per beer? Man: $5.00 which includes a tip

    (This is where it gets scary !)
    Woman: And how long have you been drinking? Man: About 20 years, I suppose

    Woman: Beer costs $5. At 3 a day that's spending each month $450. In one year, approximately $5400 .correct? Man: Correct

    Woman:
    In 1 year you spend $5400, not accounting for inflation. The past 20 years puts your spending at $108,000, correct? Man: Correct

    Woman:
    If you didn't drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari! Man: Do you drink beer?

    Woman: No. Man: Where's your fooken Ferrari?

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  3. #2
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    Moved to the new Joke Thread... Thanks for starting us off.

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    THREE ROSES

    A sexually active woman tells her plastic surgeon that she wanted her
    vaginal lips reduced in size because they were too loose and floppy.
    Out of embarrassment she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret and the
    surgeon agreed.

    Awakening from the anaesthesia after the surgery she found 3 roses carefully
    placed beside her on the bed.
    Outraged, she immediately calls in the doctor. 'I thought I asked you not
    to tell anyone about my operation!'

    The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality and
    that the first rose was from him:
    'I felt sad because you went through this all by yourself.'

    'The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery and
    understood because she had had the same procedure done some time ago.'

    'And what about the third rose?' she asked.

    'That's from a man upstairs in the burn unit. He wanted to thank you for
    his new ears.'

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    Last edited by Mirage; 11-22-2013 at 08:13 PM.

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    Thursday night I gradually woke up stiff as a plank in hospital's ICU, tubes up my nose & down my throat, wires monitoring every function & all around my head, hell of a pain over my left ear and a Drop Dead Gorgeous Nurse hovering over me.



    It was obvious I'd been in a serious accident.

    She looked deep & steady into my Eyes and I heard her slowly say,



    "You may not feel anything from the waist down."



    I managed to mumble in reply,

    "Can I feel your tits, then?"

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    FIREMAN COSTUME

    Man goes to a fancy costume party wearing only a glass jar on his penis.

    A woman asks, 'What are you?'

    He says, 'I'm a fireman'



    'But you're only wearing a glass jar?', says the woman.
    'Exactly! In an emergency, break glass, pull knob and I'll come as fast as I can!'

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    Chinese on sick leave


    I NO COME TO WOK TODAY!'

    Hung Chow calls his work and says, 'Hey, I no come to wok today, I really sick. Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come wok.'

    The boss says, 'You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel sick like you do, I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes everything better and I go to work. You try that.

    Two hours later Hung Chow calls again.
    'I do what you say and I feel great. I be at wok soon........

    You got nice house'.....!!!!!! BoOM boom

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    A guy goes to his doctor and says,
    "Doc, I have a problem.

    My girlfriend is sleeping over this Friday,
    my ex-wife is sleeping over this Saturday
    and my wife is coming home Sunday.

    I need 3 Viagra pills to satisfy them all."

    The doctor says, "You know 3 Viagra pills
    3 nights in a row is pretty dangerous for
    any man. I will give them to you on the
    condition that you return to my office on
    Monday so that I can check you out."

    The man says, "You have a deal Doc."

    Monday morning the man returns with his
    arm in a sling.

    The doctor says, "What happened"?

    The man answered, "Nobody showed up."

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    Seasons greetings from a law firm:

    Please accept without obligation, implied or implicit, our best wishes
    for
    an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, politically correct,
    low
    stress, non-addictive, gender neutral, celebration of the winter
    solstice
    holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious
    persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with
    respect
    for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or
    their
    choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all... and a
    financially successful, personally fulfilling and medically
    uncomplicated
    recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2014,
    but
    with due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures or sects,
    and
    having regard to the race, creed, colour, age, physical ability,
    religious
    faith, choice of computer platform or dietary preference of the wishee.

    By accepting this greeting you are bound by these terms that-

    * This greeting is subject to further clarification or withdrawal

    * This greeting is freely transferable provided that no alteration shall
    be
    made to the original greeting and that the proprietary rights of the
    wishor
    are acknowledged.

    * This greeting implies no promise by the wishor to actually implement
    any
    of the wishes.

    * This greeting may not be enforceable in certain jurisdictions and/or
    the
    restrictions herein may not be binding upon certain wishees in certain
    jurisdictions and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wishor.

    * This greeting is warranted to perform as reasonably may be expected
    within
    the usual application of good tidings, for a period of one year or until
    the
    issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first.

    * The wishor warrants this greeting only for the limited replacement of
    this
    wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wishor

    * Any references in this greeting to "the Lord", "Father Christmas",
    "Our
    Saviour", or any other festive figures, whether actual or fictitious,
    dead
    or alive, shall not imply any endorsement by or from them in respect of
    this
    greeting, and all proprietary rights in any referenced third party names
    and
    images are hereby acknowledged.

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